Ten Things Your Doctor Won’t Tell You

Always on the lookout for a good story, when I visited the doctor last week I was thinking about all the things my doctor never told me. (This led me to seethe with anger—boy, he sure got a high reading on that blood pressure test.) Not this doctor, not the last doctor, not even my paediatrician when I was seven. And since I love you, Dear Reader, like my last good lung, or the tendons that I daily use to turn my neck, I should like to spare you the pain and suffering of having to learn these on your own by reading medical journals late into the night.

  1. A coffee a day keeps the zombies away.
  2. It’s not healthy to eat someone else’s nuclear waste. But it sure does make your stomach glow.
  3. Exercise is one of the biggest wastes of time, invented by a culture of lazy fat people who sit in cubicles all day and complain when they have to use a keyboard instead of a mouse.
  4. If you want to lose weight, eat a stick of butter for breakfast and watch the telly1 for the rest of the day.
  5. I do chest compressions to the beat of Another One Bites The Dust.
  6. What you need is a good kick in the rear. Nurse, come help!
  7. Sometimes I feel like all my new patients end up dead within a year.
  8. You’re the first patient I’ve seen who still has one of your own kidneys.
  9. You know you’re stupid when you pay the doctor and your insurance company thousands per year and you haven’t been sick in a decade.
  10. The real problem is not your cholesterol, nor your blood pressure. It’s that you still haven’t read The 20th Anniversary Edition of The Flying News.
  11. CENSORED DUE TO HAVING MET MY QUOTA OF TEN THINGS.

There you have it. I’m living proof that my doctor has never told me any of these things. And while I learned these on the street, the hard way, you don’t have to. So next time you go to the doctor, don’t forget to ask him for that kick in the rear.


“17th century Persian anatomy2.jpg.” Image from 17th century AD (11th century AH) Persian manuscript at the Majles Library, Tehran. By Mansur ibn Ilyas also known as Mansur ibn Muhammad Ahmad; digitized by Liquid_2003. Public domain via Wikimedia Commons.

  1. Television, “the drug of the nation,” in American English.

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