Exercise by Proxy

How often do you exercise?

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Now that we have the facts established, let’s talk about the importance of exercise.

Exercise helps keep both your mind and your muscles in fighting trim. It has a beneficial effect on your mood, your mental agility, and your health. It also helps remind your neighbors that you still exist; when they see you running down the street, they suddenly remember that your house isn’t empty after all.

So why don't you exercise?

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Thanks to scientists at the North South Wales Centre for Botanical Research, we now have a new, and, for most people, vastly superior means of ‘getting’ exercise: pay someone else to do it for you. Lead scientist Roy V. Sutton explains:

This is the Modern World, right? That means that, if there’s something you don’t want to do, you hire a substitute. Our new, and—if I may say so—incredibly ingenious system of exercise by proxy allows us all to receive all the benefits of exercise while avoiding all the unpleasantness traditionally associated with it. So far, 90% of the participants in our trials have reported increased energy, improved mood, and more time to read The Flying News.

Exercise by proxy is currently pending approval by the FDA. Once approved, it is expected to be recommended by medical doctors all over the world.


“Morning Exercise,” Self Portrait by Percy Shakespeare. Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons.


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