Single Online Privacy Policy

Sources say that several large internet companies are planning to simplify their privacy policies, both to make them easier to read and to better reflect actual practices. Further, even though these companies compete with each other in some areas, they have decided to all use the same set of policies because they all have the same lawyers working for them and pretty much the same customers.1 This, they say, will save you (them) time, and save you (them) money, as you (they) will only need to read (write) the policies once.

Here are some examples of the revisions in the new Single Privacy Policy, which applies to email, social media, web searches, and online doctor’s visits:

“Anything you say or do can and will be used against you.”

“We read your emails/texts/messages so you don’t have to.”

“Everywhere you look, advertisements will be lurking. The less you buy, the more ads you get.”

Sites we will call Baithook, SinkedIn, Eaple, Twiddle, TwiddlePlus, and TwiddleDeeDee2 are among those updating their policies. However, users may not notice it as they have also inserted this clause:

“You agree to agree to our policies no matter what, whether or not we tell you, and whether or not you read them.”

Also, if you are wondering when the policies will come into effect, read this:

“All updates to these policies are retroactive and took effect the day you started using the internet.”

When asked how they thought the public would react to these policy changes, several of the corporate lawyers stated the following (in unison, almost as if they had rehearsed it):

“Since nobody read the old policies, we expect that no-one will care to read the new ones, either.”

The Queen did not comment. The President of the United States yawned.

  1. ‘Customer’, in online terminology, refers to you. Internally, corporate lawyers also use the terms ‘prisoners’ and ‘suckers’.
  2. We are not necessarily referring to Facebook, LinkedIn, Apple, Twitter, and Google, among others.

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