Have you ever found yourself sitting in a dentist’s waiting room, wondering how to pass the time while listening idly to the gentle sounds of the office: the soft whine of the drill, the subtle rattle of the bone saw, and the other patients’ muted screams of agony? If you have encountered this quandary, if you have dug deep into the layers of detritus rotting in the backs of the closets of your mind and still found nothing to occupy yourself in such a situation, then read on. For the staff of The Flying News, facing this situation with disturbing regularity, has taken out the mouldering refuse from the back room of its (collective) mind and planted in that fertile soil a healthy garden bearing innumerable helpful ideas. With regard to the predicament of the dentist’s waiting room, we have some suggestions that are absolutely perfect.
One excellent suggestion, if you find your wait stretching out long and tedious before you, is to begin moaning in agony. Double yourself up, clutch your jaw, and groan “My teeth, oh my teeth, what have you done to my teeth!” It is also a good idea, while you moan and groan, to imitate the tones and accents of one whose teeth have just been removed. Not only is this very entertaining for you and everyone else, but it is also likely to shorten your wait—although we advise you to be very alert and attentive while you have your teeth examined, and to be absolutely certain that you do not fall asleep in the dentist’s chair.1
If, despite its excellence, this suggestion doesn’t appeal to you, you might follow Lynn Locifero’s example and break out the gin and the martini pitcher and serve everyone a cocktail. Since you want the dentist to be in a specially good mood for your treatment, make sure to give him two or three.
Or you might just take the opportunity to oil your boots. Build a small fire in a well ventilated part of the office and set up a turnspit (also known as a rotisserie) to warm your boots evenly. Then, rub in some suet, lard, or—if you want to impress everyone with your sophistication—olive oil. Whatever fat you choose, be sure to really goop it on. Don’t worry if a little fat drips off: you want to make sure you get your boots good and oily.
And of course, if none of these ideas appeals to you, you could always just sit there and read The Flying News.2
“Dentalhandpiece0111-26-05.” CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons
- Ryan Rocifero once did just that. When he woke up, he found that all of his teeth had been replaced by doughnuts. He’s still paying off the bill for that treatment. ↩
- Have you noticed how many articles in The Flying News concern dentistry? Quite a few, although we didn’t notice until just now. So, unlike all those magazine that are scattered around the office, The Flying News really is the most appropriate dental office reading material. ↩