How to Reinvent the Wheel

If you think about wheels as often as we at The Flying News do, you may have heard various—and perhaps even sundry—persons discuss the desirability of reinventing the wheel. And for some reason or other, such specimens usually refer to the reinvention of the wheel as not wholly desirable. But having nothing better to do today, we thought to ourselves, “Why not?” And in fact, we found that, contrary to the dour prognostications of the narrow-minded naysayers and the prejudiced prophets-of-doom, reinventing the wheel can be a lot of fun.

So how does one go about reinventing the wheel? There are, we suspect, any number of different possible methods. If you are the bold and adventurous type, we recommend that you take up your knife, set forth into the wilderness, and wrest the hidden knowledge of the wheel from the unrelenting storehouse of invention with your bare hands and with no help from how-to guides.

But if you aren’t feeling particularly adventurous or original and find yourself needing more help, just follow the following three steps of wheel reinvention:

  1. First, find a wheelless vehicle. Common wheelless vehicles include sleds, sleighs, boats, horses, shoes, helicopters, and hovercraft. If you can’t find a wheelless vehicle, you may need to de-wheel one that is already wheeled.
  2. Next, find something round. We used doughnuts, since we had a few which had so far managed to avoid being devoured by insatiable reporters.
  3. Finally, attach one or more of the round items from the previous step to the wheelless or unwheeled vehicle from the step antecedent to the aforementioned previous step. If, as we suggested in the previous step, you have used doughnuts as your round object, this step will have the desirable effect of making your doughnuts easier to catch and eat.
  4. Congratulate yourself on having reinvented the wheel. Have some doughnuts and read The Flying News to celebrate.

“Abandoned Millstone,” by Gus Macdonald CC BY-SA 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons.


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