The Flying News: Suggested Uses

If you have been a devoted reader of The Flying News for any length of time, you may, in your spare moments, have caught yourself wondering something like this: “Why am I reading this stuff?”

Well, really, that’s something to be kept between you and your psychologist.

If, on the other hand, you’d like to know what you might do with The Flying News, then look no further. Follow our suggestions to make optimal use of every issue of The Flying News.

  1. Use The Flying News to make bread! Just add flour, yeast, and water, knead vigorously for 12 minutes, form into loaves and let rise overnight. Bake at 475°F until done.
  2. The Flying News makes a great conversation starter. Pick a random article and ask your potential interlocutor if he is aware of the importance of chromium for a balanced diet.
  3. The Flying News also makes a useful defensive weapon! That’s right—it’s hard to shoot straight if you’re laughing your head off. So next time you’re in a dark alley with machine-gun-wielding bandits sneakily closing in on you, just brandish your latest edition of The Flying News and then make your escape amid cries of fear, wonder, and confusion.
  4. Or, if eating, social interaction, or self-defense are not on your mind, then The Flying News makes an amazing recreational accessory. Just follow the directions on the next page to fold The Flying News into a solar-powered hang-glider.

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