Morris, Stephen Q. Cheesy Stories for Walrus Lovers. Santa Ana, CA: Cheesy Stories, 2015. 192 pp., $13.55, cheap grayish paper. Following on the mediocre success of Cheesy Stories for Browns Fans and Cheesy Stories for 39 Year Old Female College Students, Cheesy Stories, Inc. has come out with a new book: Cheesy Stories for Walrus Lovers.
Following strictly enforced editorial policy, I did not even open the book, and I base my review entirely on the book’s aerodynamic properties when thrown across the room. However, I did once (in most unhappy hour) try to read part of Cheesy Stories for the Depressed News Editor, and I can attest that Cheesy Stories tend to live up to their name all too well—perhaps, if one wishes to speak with precision, it would be more exact to say that Cheesy Stories live down to their name.
Should you read this book? If you are a lover, a walrus, or a walrus lover, then the answer is definitely not. This book is almost absolutely certain to ruin your day, and is, moreover, guaranteed to drive all thoughts of loving, walrusing, or walrus loving far from your mind. Otherwise, you might consider reading it, but only if you have exhausted every other resource, are feeling depressed and miserable, and find that the only alternative to reading this book is to be eaten by conger eels.
Lest this review seem unrelievedly negative, I would like to point out that this book does have some excellent qualities. For one thing, when launched with an initial velocity of 10 meters/second at a 40° angle, the book traveled 9.6 meters (20.99737532808399 Biblical cubits or 20.74383951182784 Greek cubits). This is fairly close to an ideal frictionless trajectory, and reflects well on the books ballistic properties. In addition, we found that the book does a fairly good job of extinguishing type B and C fires with a total kinetic energy of less than 9,756 millijoules. It was, however, less effective at extinguishing type A fires, and attempting to extinguish type D and K fires with the book was an absolute disaster.
“Walrus in the Mist,” by LindsayRs CC BY 2.0 via Flickr via Wikimedia Commons. Cropped.
“Pair of Walrus Animals Male and Female Odobenus rosmarus,” by U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. Public domain via Wikimedia Commons. Cropped.
“Walruses to the Museum of Natural History,” by huldero from Finland (Museum of Natural History) CC BY 2.0 via Wikimedia Commons.
“Walrus Hunter 1911,” by Beverly B. Dobbs, Public domain: National Geographic via Wikimedia Commons.