Overwhelmed by increasing maintenance costs, decreased tax revenue, and the aggressive actions of moles and prairie dogs, the federal government offered the interstate highway system for sale last month. The highest bidder was Interstate Paintball Corp.,™ which hopes to develop an extensive network of paintball courses on the land formerly used by the Interstates.
Assistant Director of Marketing, Pamela W. Blaisdell, explains:
While the Interstate System is impressive in concept, it simply didn’t have anything productive to offer. I mean, you could go somewhere, but that was about it. Now paintball, on the other hand, is one of the best products of the twentieth century. Regular engagement in paintball is one of the best ways of learning modern business strategy. Furthermore, paintball is a healthy way to engage in violence and destruction without actually hurting anyone, which keeps us in the right frame of mind to repel alien invasions. And, most importantly, when people play paintball on our courses, they give us money.
The American Automobile Association has challenged the sale of the Interstate Highway System, claiming that “the freedom to drive where we want, when we want, and as fast as we want, is part of our American heritage. To the extent that this hideous and unconscionable act impares that fundamental liberty, we consider that it is unconstitutional.”
Highways will be open for vehicular traffic on every second Tuesday.
“Paintball US Air Force” by U.S. Air Force Tech. Sgt. Brian Cox. Public domain via Wikimedia Commons.