The Bermuda Triangle: The area between Miami (Florida), Bermuda, and San Juan (Puerto Rico) where aliens perform unspeakable procedures on helpless human subjects without obtaining informed consent, where pilots and navigators are routinely unlucky, or where nothing particularly unusual happens (but people like to make up creepy stories about it anyway).
Last year, The Flying News sent out an investigative blimp to survey the Bermuda Triangle. While the team has never returned, we are now able to disclose that their precise measurements reveal that this triangle is not triangular at all, but instead closely resembles a hexagon.
Henry Wilbur, vice-chancellor of the International Society for the Paranormal in Bermuda explains the significance of this discovery:
This new observation completely changes our view of the world! I do not exaggerate in the least when I say that this news is an epiphany at least as significant as Newton’s discovery that the Earth is an ellipsoid rather than an octahedron! Our lives will never be the same, now that we know that the Bermuda Triangle is really a hexagon. If Einstein were alive today, he would say that this revolutionizes our understanding of reality in a way far more fundamental and revolutionary than his own introduction of relativity! I am so stunned and astonished that I can hardly speak!
Anyone interested in joining a Flying News expedition to the Bermuda Hexagon to depart in January of 2031 should contact our main office as soon as possible.
Image based on “Bermuda Triangle” by Bermudan_kolmio.jpg: Alphaiosderivative work: -Majestic- (talk) – Bermudan_kolmio.jpg. Public domain via Wikimedia Commons.