How to Split Wood

Have you ever wanted to split wood? Follow our helpful and clear advice, and you can impress your friends and amaze your neighbors with your advanced wood-splitting abilities.

There are three main ways to split wood: The Physiological Method, The Psychological Method, and The Paleontological Method. We’ll explore each of these methods in turn.

1. The Physiological Method:

  1. Sharpen your teeth. Use a mill bastard file or whetstone. Do not use a grinding wheel, since it produces too much heat and can damage the temper of your teeth.
  2. Approach the log aggressively at an oblique angle. Use a controlled stroke and split the wood into even pieces.
  3. Use your feet to stack the split pieces so that they can dry.

2. The Psychological Method:

  1. Think angry thoughts. Fill your mind with memory of the evils that unsplit wood has perpetrated on an innocent world.
  2. Put the wood under your pillow, and go to sleep. Be sure to keep your mind filled with angry thoughts. (See step one.)
  3. Wake up in the morning to find your wood split. If wood is not split, go back to step one.

3. The Paleontological Method:

  1. Make some dough.
  2. Shape the dough into a wedge shape.
  3. Leave the dough outside and cover in mud.
  4. Dig up dough after 50,000 years. If it has turned into stone, go to the next step. If not, go back to step three.
  5. Use wedge to split wood.

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