Exclusive Interview With Joe Vanilla

stick man

We here at The Flying News had a chance to meet with a rare breed of person, not like most of the people you meet — that’s right, this man is a plain vanilla Joe, just an ordinary man, no uniqueness whatsoever. And his name is, indeed, Joe. “What?” you say, “I’ve never met a real, plain vanilla Joe!” “And what,” you might ask, “is such a man like?” Well, here in our exclusive interview, you will get a scintillating glimpse into the psyche of this ordinary man.

Flying News: So, Joe, we hear you are a real, plain vanilla Joe.
Joe: That’s right.

FN: And where are you from?
Joe: Manchester.

FN: I know lots of people from Manchester.
Joe: It’s a nice place.

FN: I hear they have a football1 team. Do you like football?
Joe: More or less.

FN: Do you ever play football yourself?
Joe: Just a bit.

FN: Are you any good?
Joe: Average.

FN: Fascinating… So, when you eat ice cream, is it always vanilla?
Joe: Always.

FN: You never have chocolate?
Joe: Never.

FN: Or hundreds and thousands?2
Joe: No.

FN: Or those gooey little bits of caramel?
Joe: No. Just plain vanilla.

FN: Would you ever consider doing something really crazy, just to get out of your routine? Like jumping a moving train, or sneaking up on your neighbour with the hosepipe?3
Joe: Not bloody likely.

FN: Ah, so you have a vulgar tongue?
Joe: Common, yes.

FN: But you’re a cursing fellow?
Joe: On occasion.

FN: So, Joe, how about your personality? Do you talk much?
Joe: I don’t have much to say.

FN: Well, then, do you think much?
Joe: Most of the time.

FN: I see. So you think a lot, just don’t say much.
Joe: That’s right.

FN: It must be nice to be an ordinary man.
Joe: It’s fab.

  1. For our American readers, that’s English for soccer.
  2. Sprinkles, for the Americans.
  3. Garden hose.

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