Is your dog a member of the family? Of course! how could you even ask? Then don’t you feel sad, maybe even ashamed, that your dog can’t join in what Julian Richards claims to be “the most important relationship building experience a family can undergo,”1 watching television? Yet, it is a sad fact that the typical dog considers watching television less interesting than sleeping, drooling, or even smelling dirty socks. It seems as if the only way to get a dog to join you is by supergluing it to the floor facing the TV. And then supergluing its eyes open, so that it doesn’t fall asleep.2
Some canine scientists claim that the reason dogs are not interested in television is their superior intelligence.3 The majority, however, believe that the reason dogs aren’t interested in TV is that their vision is more sensitive to motion than typical human vision.4 Television programs have typically had a frame rate of 24p, or twenty-four frames per second. For your dog, this looks like a series of jerky, rapidly changing pictures rather than a moving image.
Gore Azarov has solved this problem by introducing The Canine Pre-filter©, which uses a sophisticated algorithm to increase the frame rate of television programs. Now, at long last, you can finally include your dog in your family television time. You will, of course, need to get rid of your current television, since no current production television is compatible with The Canine Pre-filter©. And if you have a pet parrot, you’ll have to wait, since birds see even faster than dogs.5
“Bosch, Hieronymus – The Garden of Earthly Delights, right panel – Detail cerberus (lower right)” by Hieronymus Bosch (circa 1450–1516) – Google Earth Ultra High Resolution photos of the Museo Nacional del Prado(How-To). Licensed under Public domain via Wikimedia Commons – http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Bosch,_Hieronymus_-_The_Garden_of_Earthly_Delights,_right_panel_-_Detail_cerberus_(lower_right).jpg#mediaviewer/File:Bosch,_Hieronymus_-_The_Garden_of_Earthly_Delights,_right_panel_-_Detail_cerberus_(lower_right).jpg.
- Julian Richards, “Building Relationships in the Family” Journal of Television Studies 3 (2011): 23-25. ↩
- Note that The Flying News does not recommend this procedure. It would take an awful lot of glue, and would make house training your dog even more difficult. ↩
- See, for example, Walter Schnelling, Canine Intelligence (Vostok Station: Antarctic University Press, 2001), 568-798. ↩
- Adám Miklósi, Dog Behaviour, Evolution, and Cognition (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2007), 140. ↩
- Alyssa Greville, “Avine Flicker Fusion Threshold” 233 (1902): 12-34. ↩