How to Bleach Your Hair

Laundry symbol for non-chlorine bleach when needed.

If you’ve never bleached your hair before, you might find yourself wondering about the process: Does hydrogen peroxide really make your hair blonde? Should I try it? How will it look? Will my friends still like me? Who are my friends anyway? What if they’re not my friends at all? Well, I can’t answer all […]

Reverse Advertising

I started to become aware of this new kind of advertising when a truck featuring a prominent bumper sticker pulled in front of me and slammed on its brakes.1 “Well,” I said to myself, “I’m never going to McDonald’s again.” It was only later, when I happened to discuss the incident with a fellow sufferer […]

Introducing the Metric Dozen

10 eggs in a carton

Egg sellers around the world will soon be peddling their produce in metric. After centuries of following the misguided (albeit traditional) ‘twelvic’ system, in which eggs were sold by the ‘dozen’, they are finally falling in line with the rest of the modern world1, and will begin selling eggs by the Metric Dozen. Rather than […]

After Recount, The Real Winner of the 2016 Election Is . . .

RONALD MCDONALD! Voters and politicians everywhere were shocked, stunned, and speechless as the results of the recount were announced last night. Even those who insisted that the initial election count could not possibly be accurate were not expecting this result. But, as one thoughtful voter from Florida remarked, Really, this is a better result than […]

Last Minute Christmas Shopping

Polls indicate that, if you are a typical American, Englishman, Australian, German, Peruvian, Bolivian, or Martian, there is a 92.4% chance that you have not yet finished your Christmas shopping. Well, The Flying News is, as always, here to help. We have prepared a superb list of last minute Christmas presents to help you avert […]

The True Meaning of Christmas

Bar chart showing Europeans know better than Americans.

When asked in a recent survey what the true meaning of Christmas is, 53% of Americans answered “Santa Claus”, 38% answered “Evergreens”, 7% answered “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”, and 2% answered “Other.” When the survey was given to Europeans, “Evergreens” ranked highest at 47%, “Santa Claus” came in at 43%, and “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” […]

How The Economy Works

Brown jug with sign: If whiskey interferes with your business, give up your business.

We hear a great deal about The Economy in the news, on the radio, on television, on the primary school reading list, and even on candy bar wrappers. But not many people really understand The Economy or how it works. This article will give you the basics and, in fact, all you need to know […]

McDonald’s Introduces New Forever Cheeseburger

Just this morning, McDonald’s Grand International Director of Global-Marketing and Fast-Food Chemistry, Wendy B. K. LeRoy, announced an exciting and ingenious new product offering: the Forever Cheeseburger! This innovation, which follows in the wake of the Post Office’s popular Forever Stamps and the Treasury’s Forever Dollar, will, it is hoped1, increase sales of cheeseburgers and […]

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